Adjusting to empty…

I’m sure (if you’ve gone any length of time in chastity) that you will agree, that as ridiculous as it sounds, the first few days after release are a bit…. difficult. You tend to feel a bit lost, because that feeling of horniness is (if not gone, then) diminished to say the least. You kind of get used to feeling horny all the time and then when you’re don’t… it kind of sucks.

At times like these (and I’ve said it before I know) I can truly understand the appeal of permanent denial. The idea of every future release being ruined, leaving my frustration and horniness intact is so damned alluring… but I know this isn’t going to happen, at least not anytime soon. And for one thing, I’m not really sure I even want to give up cumming hard inside my Mistress (completely).

Against this backdrop of emotions it’s hard to get your head around the end of a period of chastity, and it’s weird to think that I just went fifty days without cumming. Fifty days!¬†Despite everything, it doesn’t really sound that impressive to me really… it doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but to a ‘normal’ person I know it would sound completely insane.

I guess it may be because, in reality I only went a couple more days than my previous record, so it wasn’t like I was being pushed much harder or further. But it was still 50 days, seven weeks and a day!

Unlike some, I don’t really consider it an achievement, I don’t feel proud of myself or anything. It’s just how it is now. And while I hate the ‘drop’ you feel after being allowed to cum, as I’ve always said, I want Mistress to decide. I want to cum when she wants me to cum, and not before. I don’t really want her to consider ‘records’, unless it pleases her to do so (of course). I certainly don’t want her to feel constrained or dictated to by them.

This is why getting the balance right in a chastity relationship is such a tricky business. For a start the whole thing makes little sense to a woman… and even when you get over that hurdle you have such conflicting information and feelings. Just look at what I’ve written just now, essentially ‘I want her to decide’, ‘I like the idea of permanent denial’, and ‘I don’t want to give up being able to cum hard inside her completely’.

Is it any wonder that being a keyholder isn’t easy?

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I don’t get near fifty days again for a goodly length of time. And I am honestly okay with that. I’m far more interested in making my Mistress cum to be honest, and if the ten to one ratio was to be achieved I’d much prefer it to be because she had a lot more orgasms than because I had a lot less.

Mistress had a lovely orgasm earlier, and then she allowed me to touch her ass as she teased me. Feeling my finger tips press against her warm asshole makes me ache to push it with my tongue, and even though it’s only three days since I came, I was feeling pretty eager.

But at the same time of course, that’s the last thing I want to do… really.

2 thoughts on “Adjusting to empty…

  1. Nicely said my friend. I go through the same thing and like, I can see the allure of permanent denial for the very reasons you have stated. That being said, I don’t really want permanent denial because I’m human and always want to cum. My desire to always want to cum is eclipsed by my desire to want to be denied, or as you have, being only subject to Mistress K.’s unilateral and sole decision that I should. Being required to cum is a whole lot different than being allowed to cum. When I receive a ruined orgasm, sometimes I am still horny seconds after, and sometimes I feel the same drop as if it were a full on orgasm. I need to learn why that is so I can control it better because as the end of the day, having a lack of sexual for Mistress is not fair to Mistress, regardless of the reason.

    In the past, Mistress has given me an orgasm and then tested my desire. When it wasn’t at the level that she expects from me and as such I was punished harshly. I’m sure you can appreciate how much more severe a punishment spanking is when there is no sexual attractiveness associated with it. It did, however, start me on the road to recovery sooner rather than later and brought to the front of my mind that in the end, even though I am affected by levels of dopamine and the like, that isn’t Mistress K.’s problem, not should she be expected to be affected by it.

    Great post!

    • Hi SubHub
      Thanks for your comment. Reading back my post I can’t help but think that some of it could have been phrased better, but still.
      The problem with permanent denial is that it is too finite. Surely better to be able to dream of being allowed a proper orgasm one day even if it never comes, otherwise… I think it would lose A LOT of it’s power.
      Without hope it would be difficult to stay engaged, kind of like if you KNOW you will never win the lottery, then why would you care about it or buy a ticket.

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