The question of ‘giving and receiving’…

Occasionally Mistress will say to me that there is an article in her magazine I might want to read. This doesn’t happen terribly often, but twenty years ago I regularly used to flick through her magazines and read the stuff about relationships and sex. I like to think that helped give me something of an insight into the female mind (although I didn’t think of it as such at the time) and make me a little more rounded and a little less ‘male-centric’ in my attitudes.

Could be a load of bollocks that though… but that’s what I’ve always thought anyway. I’ve always preferred to be around women anyway, since blokes are generally pretty tedious as a rule. Not all of them of course, but unless you find football, cars and beer fascinating you can run out of conversation pretty fast with a lot of them.

But I digress. As I was saying, Mistress pointed out an article in this months issue of ‘Glamour’ magazine which has to do with oral sex (which as you probably know is one of my favourite subjects). As you may know, these kind of magazines are generally pretty lame when it comes to anything even slightly taboo (you know the deal, fluffy handcuffs, chocolate spread and why not pick up some Coco de Mer lingerie for £700 next time you’re in Covent Garden) and of course, no women’s magazine can possibly make it through more than a couple of pages talking about sex without a Sex and the City reference (for the record Mistress and I used to watch Sex and the City and though it did culminate in a couple of loathsome films, when it started it was pretty good and refreshing in the way it talked about women and attitudes to sex, the fact that it’s still referenced so much rather begs the question why hasn’t anything else carried on the good work though? And of course for me the most memorable episode has to be the one about ass licking, truly a groundbreaking TV moment and pretty funny too. Of course, like ‘Friends’ as it went on it went steadily downhill, the characters became caricatures of themselves and SJP became more and more pathetic…).

But again, I’m getting sidetracked.

Oral sex is seemingly just on the right side of ‘naughty’ for the magazine to be able to talk about it without giggling (or maybe these magazines have grown up a bit in the last twenty years, actually I say that but does the magazine really think it’s readers don’t know what ‘facial’ means…?) and the article was actually quite interesting, if a little depressing.

The jumping off point for the article is that women give a lot more head than they get, which isn’t overly surprising to me at least. I mean, let’s be honest going down on a woman doesn’t even have a proper ‘name’, whereas the term ‘blow-job’ is ubiquitous. Even Mistress and I, before I managed to convince her that I LOVE going down on her (which took about six years!), oral sex was definitely biased in one direction.

According to a study 63% of men and 50% of women received oral sex during their last sexual encounter (although it doesn’t state what the relationship was between the participants, so that could definitely be a factor), yes it’s not ‘balanced’ but I actually would have expected it to be a lot less so. Therefore I would take that as quite a good result, after all if some of those were ‘first / only times’ then it could be that the female wasn’t comfortable with it. My own experience bears this out, but then hopefully things would have changed over the last 25 years?

Of course, the next target is porn, and it’s easy to make the case that porn presents a skewed and unfair attitude to oral sex, which it absolutely does, but… for one thing porn is traditionally aimed at men (rightly or wrongly) and for another, porn is inherently ‘visual’. How do you film a man going down on a woman in a hardcore porn film? That’s why (as they put it) when it is presented it’s ‘with a few stabs of lizard tongue’, because the director needs to to get the shot, so he’s telling the guy ‘lick her pussy but keep your head as far back as possible’. Nobody loves eating pussy more than me, but you can’t really argue that in a hardcore porn film it merits much more than a token effort because the logistics render it un-cinematic.


(Definitely hot, but undoubtedly limited from the camera point of view)

Unfortunately one of the knock on effects of this is that as younger and younger children now have free access to porn via the internet (it wasn’t like that in my day, it was VHS tapes off the guy on the market and whatever mags you could get your hands on) they are growing up thinking that porn is ‘normal’, so on the one hand guys expect all women to be shaved everywhere, but on the other girls are expecting every guy to have a 10″ dick…

But they are growing up with the idea that blowjobs are ‘expected’ whereas returning the favour (or Heaven’s above) giving without receiving for a man marks you out as some kind of ‘mug’… apparently it even has a slang term (bocat, or bowcat). Oh dear…

Perhaps a more problematic view on this is that kids are growing up viewing sex quite differently to how my generation did (or maybe it was just me, I have to admit as a youngster I was quite naive, a virgin until 18 I mean really!). But then I guess we have apps like Tinder to blame for this as well, the whole thing has been turned into a commodity. I’m not one to promote religion, I’m not religious at all, quite anti-religion in a passive kind of way, but I did grow up with the attitude of wanting to be in a stable relationship, finding the right woman and being faithful to her, and to me part of that is making her as satisfied as possible. I guess the whole Tinder thing has enabled people and promoted a selfishness found only when people know there’s plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

The other problem with viewing porn from such a young age is seemingly that it once again makes women insecure about their bodies, even to the appearance of their pussy. I think this is the most demoralising part of the whole article really, I realise that this whole article is intended to make women feel empowered, but speaking as a man who wanted to go down on his first girlfriend the first night we were even together, it just makes me feel like damn, this shouldn’t need to be so fucking complicated. Twenty five years later and guys like me will still be in the same boat, trying to convince reluctant women that we want to do it, we love doing it..

Okay I’m sorry, I realise that I’ve committed the ultimate sin of making it all about ‘ME’… and by ‘ME’ I mean ‘MEN’. But a lot of this is about ‘men’ unfortunately, stupid, moronic men who make women feel insecure about how they look, taste and smell (gorgeous in my experience), fucking selfish, pathetic bastards if you ask me.

We’ve (presumably) all read articles about women who feel the need to have labia surgery because one lip is slightly untidy in appearance or slightly longer than the other. I mean, okay if it makes you happy then fine, do whatever you like, but my issue is with whoever made you feel like this was necessary. If it was an advert for a clinic then that’s a shame, unfortunately modern life is designed to find every possible way to make you feel bad about yourself and offer you ways to ‘improve’ yourself in return for considerable recompense. But if it was a man (and I use the term ‘man’ in loosest possible sense here) then that really is despicable and I can only apologise on behalf of the chronically pathetic members of my gender (I really do have a bad attitude to other guys don’t I?).

Back to the study and it seems that 52% of men (but only 28% of women) enjoy giving oral. The article asks why if so many men like doing it, why are so few women getting it? Umm, sorry to point it out but the number of men who enjoy ‘giving’ relates almost exactly to the number of women ‘receiving’ by their own figures, so I don’t quite understand the relevance of the question.

Surely the question should be if only 28% of women enjoy ‘giving’ then how come 63% of men are getting blown? And we’ve already been through all that already (porn, social conditioning, etc)…

The article does thankfully provide some resolution, with the way forward being presented as ‘give and take’. Apparently, you will be shocked to discover, when both partners ‘give’ and ‘receive’ the percentage who enjoy giving evens up. Well who would have thought it?

Still, lets end on a positive note from Charley (31) who said:

Oral always seemed selfish or awkward, I was self-conscious about my appearance, his face in there, sounds, fluids, pressure to come. But changing my partner changed everything. He loves pussy. He’ll spread my legs and tell me how beautiful I am. Suddenly, sounds and wetness are really hot instead of embarrassing. He makes it clear that he’s enjoying himself, so I’m confident enough to ask him to go down all the time‘.

Now doesn’t that sound like a win/win situation?

Or taking it further, maybe the answer is simple and staring us in the face, if more men and women would embrace Femdom then surely everyone would be a lot happier. I’m sure most of my readers would much rather have a woman tell them to stroke for her, or simply tell them ‘not tonight’ than participate in a blowjob she doesn’t want to give or isn’t enjoying… but I guess (unfortunately) not everyone thinks like that.

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