In the D/s scene, a lot is written about ‘topping from the bottom’ and how terrible it is, but truthfully, you have to be realistic about things and realise that if you are the one with the kink, you have to take the lead in the first instance (and potentially beyond).
So let’s say you have a kink, I have a perfect example… ass worship. You all know how much I love to worship Mistress R’s ass, right? Well I can still remember the first time I told her about this, we were in my car driving home from somewhere and I dropped it into a conversation… I’m trying to work out how this came about but I remember saying something to the effect that I had done it with my previous girlfriend anyway…
Now, how do you think Mistress reacted to that? Well of course you might think that the minute we got home Mistress R peeled off her panties, bent over the sofa and pulled my head between her parted cheeks, and that would have been awesome of course (indeed I’m still trying for that kind of thing now) but… I can tell you that did not happen. If I recall correctly, Mistress pulled a kind of ‘disgusted’ face and said something to similar effect.
So how come then I fairly regularly post on here about how Mistress has me worship her ass? Well, this is the thing. If we strictly adhere to the idea that topping from the bottom is bad, things are going nowhere. Truth be told I can’t exactly remember what was said or how long it took because the original conversation was a very, very long time ago, but I gently persisted until Mistress got her head around the idea that I genuinely wanted to do it, and then I guess once she’d done it once and seen how much I loved doing it and that nothing bad happened, well I guess it didn’t seem like quite such a big deal.
I mean, I guess it’s different if you’ve both tried literally everything and you know what works for you and what doesn’t, but in most circumstances that’s unlikely to be the case and so you have to be patient and make the effort to make things happen.
So if by ‘topping from the bottom’ people mean that you shouldn’t do that then I think you are likely to experience a long, frustrating decline into apathy and failure. Why? Because the idea that you set up a relationship where everything is done for the woman’s pleasure flounders when that woman doesn’t possess endless creativity and/or sexual adventurousness. In other words, unless you seriously think your Mistress will stumble on your particular kink eventually, and therefore when she does it will be ‘her idea’ (and therefore not topping from the bottom) it might be useful if you can make suggestions and/or be able to nudge things along a little from time to time.
I’m not knocking the idea that a Femdom relationship should be pursued with the idea of the woman’s pleasure being paramount, but… sometimes surely it’s necessary to expose her to possibilities she may never have even considered, and that includes things that you probably think are ‘normal’ (ie: anything you’ve seen on Pornhub).
For example, Mistress and I indulge in ass worship, ball slapping and male chastity, to name just three things off the top of my head. How many of those things do you think Mistress initiated?
(By the way, the purpose of this post is not to criticise my Mistress for her ‘lack of imagination‘, it’s to highlight the point that for many (if not most) women, these things just may not be on their radar full stop and that if you don’t make the suggestion then you have to take the chance that there’s every possibility that she may never think of it.)
If I hadn’t suggested it, do you seriously think Mistress would have ever come to me and said ‘How do you fancy me giving your balls a really good slapping?’. I don’t think so. And what about chastity, do you think Mistress would have ever said to me ‘I was thinking, I’d really like to tease and deny you for a couple of months, while having you eat my pussy three times a week’… that’s a dream woman scenario right there isn’t it? And why is it a dream scenario – because it almost never happens!
Okay, you say, but aren’t you then focusing on your pleasure and not your Mistress’s pleasure?
To which I would counter with ‘but how will she ever know if she gets pleasure from doing these things if they never enter her head?’
Maybe she’ll love slapping your balls once she gets into it, maybe she’ll love watching you struggle on the edge as she teases you. Fair enough if she doesn’t, but also there’s another possibility to consider, maybe she enjoys the ‘effect’ it has on you?
For example, I don’t know that Mistress gets huge pleasure directly from ass worship, but she loves the effect it has on me, and the only reason she knows that is because she tried it. Look at my Mistress and ruined orgasms, it took about 3-4 years for Mistress to get comfortable with the idea but she really seems to quite enjoy doing it now…. funny that.
Some might suggest that in a ‘proper’ Femdom relationship you might possibly suggest things once and then leave it up to your Mistress to decide if she wants to try it or not. That’s one approach, but I doubt it will be terribly fruitful.
I agree on paper it sounds kind of flaky, but in real life if you want results you probably have to make some attempt to make it happen.
You know, I feel like I’ve written this article before, but I think I binned it because it sounds really bad, but I’m not talking about bullying your partner or coercing her into doing what YOU want. If your partner has a clear red-line on a particular area then absolutely you should respect that.
All I’m saying is that if, as is probably the case, you are the kinkier one in the relationship, then as much as you’d like your Mistress to have these great ‘ideas’, it probably won’t happen unless you find a way to bring them to her attention.
So, the reason I’m saying all this really is that I haven’t forgotten about the letter that we want to publish for you to give to your wife to introduce her to the chastity lifestyle, but the more I think about it the more I realise that if you want to use this letter you better be prepared to work for what you want. There’s a limit to what we can achieve with a simple non-bespoke, non-specific letter. The main objective of the letter is to let your partner know what male chastity is about (in very simple terms) and that while it might seem weird at first, if she embraces it the pay-off will be worth it.
In other words, the purpose of the letter is really an ice-breaker. We get past the point where you have to sit her down cold and tell her what you want, because I know how hard that is. It’ll still be hard, even when she’s read the letter, I promise you that. But at least you won’t have to start the conversation, and at least she will have the voice of another woman in her head telling her it’s okay, don’t freak out.
Nobody knows for sure what success rate it will have, because it all depends on you and your partner’s own particular dynamic, not to mention how you respond. But the point is, once the ice is broken and the subject is raised you need to be ready with answers to the questions she’s going to have, and you need to be prepared to ‘lead’ her to some extent, because the chances are she’s going to be a little at sea to begin with.
Just imagine turning everything you think you know about your partner’s sexual needs on it’s head. Just imagine if it was her telling you that she wanted you to tease her for weeks at a time, edging her and not letting her cum. How would you feel? Confused, probably. Enthusiastic, hopefully. Accepting, maybe…
Think of it another way, how much do you love making your wife cum? I fucking adore making Mistress R cum, so how would I feel? Not so easy when the boot is on the other foot, eh? But, if I could see that she genuinely got off on being frustrated (like I do) then I would make it my mission to frustrate her like she’d never dreamed of, and take absolute pleasure from watching her suffer.
Would I ever have suggested doing that to her though, I very much doubt it. So anyway, to conclude… the letter is coming, but I just want to make it clear that it’s not going to be some sort of golden ticket granting immediate and total access to the chastity lifestyle, it’s a key to the door and anything beyond that is going to be largely on your shoulders to instigate.