Rejoice, for the US version of the Bachelor is back on TV (and thanks to a slightly naughty downloading site we got to see it too here in the UK). We’ve dabbled with the Australian version, but truthfully it was pretty lame, except for Bachelor number two, Blake, who despite coming over as Mr Sensitive Nice Guy (and passable Barrack Obama impersonator) turned out to be a colossal bastard!
Of course there was a UK version too, but it was utter shite. I believe there was a couple of series that were supposed to be serious, but then came Rugby player and professional blouse Gavin Henson, who spectacularly picked the wrong woman in the final, and then after that we had professional knobhead Spencer Matthews (who had a girlfriend all along)… what a waste of everyone’s time. I mean really.
Still, thankfully Chris Harrison and the gang are back, only this time they have a rather controversial Bachelor in (shifty) Nick, a man who’s already appeared on two seasons of the Bachelorette (once where he got rejected in the final and went on to slut-shame the Bachelorette on live TV) and once where he got passed over (again) in the final and disappeared into the night, heartbroken and devastated.
Shifty as Nick was/is, it was hard not to feel sorry for him, after all being dumped once on national TV was bad enough, but this guy got shafted twice (actually he did the shafting, technically, once in the Fantasy Suite and once in a bathroom). But then he went and did a season of Bachelor in Paradise, a show which is immensely silly and immensely entertaining at the same time. And it was all going so well…
While Chad made an absolute arse of himself and ended up getting thrown off the show for calling Sarah a one-armed bitch (no really), the twins whined pathetically, Vinny got taken for a sucker (and then got his own back when Izzy dumped him and then called him to get him back), and Grant played with fire with the questionably stable Lace, Nick acted like a grown up throughout, even in the face of huge provocation from arch rival and massive douche-bag pizza monster Josh.
So grown up and boring was Nick, that he actually barely warranted any screen time, and so he played out his seemingly emotionless liason with Jen, only to dump her in the final episode (apparently having already signed up for his own season of the Bachelor).
So now we come to Shifty Nick’s season, a curious choice, because Nick is so shifty he can barely look a girl in the eye for more than three seconds, and when he’s not gazing distractedly into the distance he’s cocking his head on one side like some sort of bearded Lady Diana Spencer.
Honestly I couldn’t give a flying fig if Nick finds his soulmate, but regardless I will be glued to the Bachelor because some of these thirty women will undoubtedly be crazy (I’m betting on Josephine, who appeared in the first episode dressed as some kind of porn fantasy Nurse), and I can’t wait for the moment when it inevitably comes out that Liz has not only met Shifty Nick before, but shagged him and then blew him off when he asked for her number. Classic. Then there’s Hailey the token fruit-bat Canadian, Christen, who confusingly looks like the last Bachelorette Jojo (but not as good looking) and Corrine, who defied first episode etiquette and snogged Nick during the first cocktail party.
Yes indeedy, this has all the makings of a classic series of The Bachelor, though truthfully it has some way to go to live up to Kaitlyn’s epic season of trials and tribulations (including that moment in the bathroom with Shifty Nick).